Lake Lanier's "Bridge to Nowhere" Nears Completion

Gainesville, GA, will soon join other communities around the world in the competition for the best Bridge to Nowhere.

Googling “bridge to nowhere” gets 1.4 million hits, but we think no Bridge to Nowhere compares to our Bridge to Nowhere.

What is known to outsiders and other Yankees as the “Gainesville pedestrian bridge” is nearing completion according to reliable sources, including the people who are building it and the people who are writing the checks (with – hello? — our money) to pay for it.

Out of loyalty to them and our fair city, they shall remain nameless.

The bridge in “downtown” Gainesville allows Chicken City residents and other adventurers to cross Jesse Jewell Parkway near the Georgia Mountains Center from civilization to … nowhere.

The last piece of the puzzle is said to be the addition of stainless steel fencing. That, of course, is absurd.

The last piece of the puzzle is obviously “Why would anyone pay bazillions of dollars to build a bridge to an empty field?”

The builder gleefully announced that progress on the bridge will be quite obvious in the next month. (Builders are far less chipper when they admit the bridge was scheduled to be completed in September of 2011.)

One famous and personal acquaintance is quoted as saying, “The goal is to connect midtown and downtown and vice versa.” The problem is Gainesville currently has a downtown, but Gainesville does not currently have a “midtown.”

When midtown Gainesville is built — we will have a dandy bridge with stainless steel fencing to get them there. Unless they choose to park in midtown and do not need the bridge.

Gainesville expects to host — would I lie to you? — a celebration once the Bridge to Nowhere nears completion.

City and county employees are said to be hopeful the party will be held on a furlough day so they can get free cookies and sweet tea.

During my extensive research into this story, I spoke with Brad Bryson, owner and operator of Brad’s Grill in what will be known someday as midtown Gainesville.

Brad is delighted with the new bridge and is extremely upset with those who call it the Bridge to Nowhere.

Brad asserts the span should be known as The Bridge to Brad’s. This makes sense because Brad’s Grill is the building nearest to the terminus of the bridge.

Brad is hoping city officials will make the bridge safe for those wandering around the city late at night. He suggests the addition of plastic chickens along the walkway, with lightbulbs in each beak.

We can only hope Brad’s clever ideas — and his “messy burgers” — will benefit all those who take the bridge.